Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
No laws when master is gone
We’ve all been there…
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I already tried new things thanks.