PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Fidel Castro was alive?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.