How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?