My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
the greatest twitter interaction
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate