My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.