Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
me after drinking all the wine:
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.