Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
それは草
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Labreador
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.