Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
This is hilarious….
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.