My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
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Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
yall want some gasoline milk
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Webb. James Webb.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.