{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Duck typos.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Who.
Did.
This?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house