NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
birds and squirrels envy us
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?