My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️