christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
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[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.