Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
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[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
How funny!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Yup.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Pretty much! 😂👀
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.