Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You Might Also Like
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Never let them know your next move 😂
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If I ignore life will it go away?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]