I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.