A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”