Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
i wish i could marry a nap
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands