DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Bed should get ready for ME