you’d think eating your young was more filling.
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I want what they have
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
🍞🦆
Breaking news:
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.