Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Room with a view.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
😩😩😩
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.