My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
it’s finally my moment to shine
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
The prophecy is fulfilled
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat