A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Feel. He’s so soft.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.