me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying