[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
set yourself free xox
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.