*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: