2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
what day is it?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.