Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
You Might Also Like
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.