[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
You Might Also Like
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Kermit goes Blue.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.