I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Haha good job!!
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.