Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”