Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
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*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.