BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot