#Caturday
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much