[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?