Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I love it all
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*