A tragic love story in two pictures.
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*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.