if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
couldn’t resist
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.