I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
What if all the cashiers are married?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.