him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
#math
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom