UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
shit just got real
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler