Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭