Personal question. #JustSaying
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All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!