I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
New tinder profile pic
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator