A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.