Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
And bowling should be called pinball
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
thinking about a very short hotdog
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up