Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.