If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
step 6: release the wall snake
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.