“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me when i see my girls butt
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.