Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
one last job
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse